Week 13: Take a Moment . . .
Last week, three of my students cried because they felt they did not belong. I also saw adults in distress over a variety of cascading issues. This experience reminded me that our emotions can quickly rise to the surface when we feel strongly about something. Often, these passions are deeply rooted in our core values. When something conflicts with those values, our initial reaction may come straight from the heart—potentially leading to biased decision-making.
Case in Point #2
That same week, one of my staff members felt unwelcome and uncomfortable when another staff member dismissed their feedback on supporting student learning. I was asked to mediate a conversation using a restorative justice approach, designed to acknowledge hurt and repair the relationship so both could resume working together effectively.
While I was somewhat satisfied that both individuals shared the impact of their actions on each other, it was clear the person who caused the harm was still guarded. As an empathetic person, I wanted to “fix” everything immediately. Yet I realized I couldn’t force the individual who felt victimized to simply feel better. Still, because I took time to plan, I was able to facilitate a mediation that avoided appearing biased toward one side.
Case in Point #1
A student visited my office early in the week to complain about a peer. I addressed the matter by speaking with the accused student. The next day, the same student came to me again, but this time with far more troubling information. I immediately followed up with the dean and school safety officers.
Unfortunately, due to a communication breakdown, there was a verbal altercation between the student who had been feeling uncomfortable and one of the peers they had complained about. The distressed student was brought to my office. As their teacher explained what had happened, the student sank into a chair, tears streaming down their face. My heart sank with them.
At that moment, I became angry—my instinct to protect this child had, in my view, failed. I explained the situation to my principal, who looked at me and said, in more ways than one: “Take a moment. You’re in an emotional space, and your decision-making skills are compromised.” He then guided me to re-examine my words—especially those related to “punishment” and “consequences.”
In both cases, I realized that when we witness situations that are in conflict with our core beliefs, our emotions can run high. That emotional response can indicate how deeply we value those beliefs. In these moments, it's important to:
Name the feeling.
Understand why we feel this way.
Collect information for more insight.
Make an equitable and unbiased decision based on the data.
Stay low on the “inference ladder,” relying on facts more than assumptions.
Seek additional perspective (from a trusted colleague or friend) if you feel too emotionally invested to make a fair decision.
For example, I felt both anger and helplessness in the first case. The child’s tears triggered a sense of helplessness, as though my efforts to protect them had fallen short—and my core value of ensuring everyone feels safe and welcome was threatened.
If I had paused to collect more information from everyone involved, I would have better understood the situation. I also should have investigated the communication breakdown that led to the altercation. And if I still felt too emotional, I could have leaned on my principal (as I ultimately did) to center my thinking.
Because I was operating in a highly emotional state, I skipped some crucial steps:
Recognizing my own emotions.
Understanding why I felt them.
Gathering objective data.
Those steps are fundamental to self-awareness and effective leadership, especially when emotions run high.
Some may argue that leaders don’t always have the time to pause and reflect. While it’s true that emergencies require swift action, the first question to ask is:
Is there an immediate threat of physical harm?
If no, you have time to go through the steps of naming your emotion, identifying its cause, gathering information, and arriving at a fair decision.
If yes, your priority is to neutralize the threat to ensure everyone’s safety. In a school setting, that might mean locking classroom doors or finding a safe space for students in danger of harming themselves or others.
Making equitable decisions is at the core of effective leadership. Yet we know that choices driven by fear, insecurity, or scarcity can lead to actions we may regret in the long run. So this week’s lesson. . . .
Lesson #13:
Take a moment. When an incident contradicts your core beliefs, pause to analyze what you feel and why you feel it. Gather evidence to help you make a rational and unbiased decision. Seek additional support from a trusted colleague if needed. Then act. By doing so, you safeguard the integrity of your decisions and the well-being of those you serve.
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Do you have any questions or would like to join the conversation? Reach out anytime! And while you're here, don’t miss out on Antiguan in America: A Racial Autobiography. Dive deeper into the journey of building your racial awareness and disrupting systemic inequities—Purchase your copy now. See you in the next post!
