“Is this love, that I am feeling”
The song, Is This Love, by Bob Marley and the Wailers was released in 1978. In the first verse of the song, Bob Marley sings, I wanna love you //and treat you right // I wanna love you // every day and every night. The hook of the song, Bob sings, Is this love? Is this love? Is this love that I am feeling?
I ask: to love and be loved what is that feeling?
Growing up in the Caribbean, I always felt cared for, and I was fairly certain my grandmother loved me. But what did that really mean when affection was rare in our household and the words "I love you" were never spoken? I was fifteen when I first heard those words from a family member and even older when I heard them from a friend.
When my Caribbean boyfriend first told me "I love you," it felt like a magical moment. Although I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant to "love" someone, I felt a deep connection with him. He celebrated my achievements—like graduating high school and getting accepted into colleges—the significant milestones of my teenage years. As someone older, he shared his true self with me openly. It all seemed wonderful, but was it truly love I was experiencing?
As our relationship evolved, with us sharing a living space and eventually becoming engaged, "love" took on a different meaning. It became a word used to soften hurt and mend damage. Despite this shift, being in that relationship taught me what it felt like to be cared for romantically. In my early adulthood, I internalized that loving someone meant expressing that love through acts of service.
It wasn’t until I became a mother that I realized love expressed solely through acts of service is one-dimensional and incomplete. You can care for someone without truly loving them.
My then-husband, the father of my children, told me he loved me many times, but his actions conveyed disdain and a tendency to cause harm. When I expressed the need to leave for the safety of our children, his response was, “I cannot live without you, and I would kill myself if you leave.” While I cared deeply for him, I often questioned throughout our marriage whether he truly loved me or our children.
Contrary to what I was made to believe as a child via observations of how couples interacted with each other and adults interacted with children, harm and love are not synonymous.
My marriage prompted me to explore the true meaning of love. I wanted to understand what love means for oneself, for family, for friends, and for a romantic partner—wondering if “love” differed based on its recipient.
In her book All About Love: New Visions, Bell Hooks quotes Diane Ackerman: “Without a supple vocabulary, we can’t even talk or think about [love] directly.” Reading Hooks’ book provided the clarity I needed to grasp the concept of love. I realized that for much of my early adult life, I lacked self-love and accepted poor treatment in the name of “love.” Hooks argues that without understanding love in its simplest form, we risk misunderstanding and misinterpreting it.
“To truly love, we must learn to mix various ingredients — care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, honest and open communication. Learning faulty definitions of love when we are quite young makes it difficult to be loving as we grow older.”
As a mother, when I held my first, second, and third children, I felt a profound sense of responsibility to care for, protect, and cherish them. Was that love I was experiencing? As my children have grown into young adults, The answer is yes. Genuine love is a blend of care, commitment, trust, knowledge, responsibility, and respect. It is not tainted by threats of harm, unresolved trauma, sacrifice, or pain. This clear, empowering definition allows us to answer yes with confidence when we hear Bob Marley's question in his song: “Is this love? Is this love? Is this love that I’m feeling?”
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In reflecting on my journey, I've come to understand that true love is a multi-faceted blend of care, commitment, trust, and respect, far beyond mere words or acts of service. My experiences have taught me that love should never be used as a tool for control or manipulation. Through the lens of Bob Marley’s timeless question and the insights from Bell Hooks, I now recognize that genuine love empowers and nurtures rather than confines or harms. As we continue to explore and redefine love in our lives, let us embrace its full, enriching essence and foster relationships grounded in mutual respect and understanding.
To read more about Bell Hooks or to pick up a copy of All About Love: New Visions click the hyperlink. It is one of those books that has the ability to transform your life. It did that for me!
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Do you have any questions or would like to join the conversation? Reach out anytime! And while you're here, don’t miss out on Antiguan in America: A Racial Autobiography. Dive deeper into the journey of building your racial awareness and disrupting systemic inequities—Purchase your copy now. See you in the next post!
